


Atonement

by Rahenna



Series: Ace of Hearts [27]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: Age Difference, Jealousy, M/M, Secret Relationship, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Yuki can't get his jealousy under control, he ends up turning to Takato, of all people, for advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atonement

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers for Gakuen Heaven 2. If you intend to play the game yourself, reading this may ruin your fun a bit. :)
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> [Adults Always Lie](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/lies/)
> 
> If you want to know more about the Gakuen Heaven series, please visit my fansite for game translations and summaries:  
> [welcome to Heaven](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/)

**November 30, 2017**

Asahina and I were alone in the student council room. Kuya had mandatory fencing club practice, and Ninosuke had declared the silence between Asahina and myself 'too oppressive' after five minutes and left. He had a point; since Ninosuke left, Asahina and I hadn't exchanged a single word. The only sounds were the rhythmic tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and the scratching of Asahina's pencil in his notebook as he worked on English homework.

I considered offering my help, but found myself unwilling to speak. With his eyes narrowed in concentration and a small frown on his pink lips, Asahina was unbearably cute. I didn't want to disturb him, so I let him struggle in silence, stealing a long glance every now and then.

_You're only torturing yourself._

I knew it was pointless, but I couldn't resist. Looking wasn't a crime. My pulse quickened as I imagined the things that Asahina must be doing on his weekends away from the school; those were the illegal acts, and the ones I'd sworn to ignore. No, it was worse than ignoring them. I was an unwilling accomplice, keeping my mouth shut tightly as that corrupt teacher did whatever he liked with the innocent first year.

 _He's not innocent,_ I reminded myself. _You're idealizing again._

Asahina was human, same as me. He had his own temptations to face, his own worries and fears, all carefully guarded, at least around me. I'd hurt him, and though he'd forgiven me, he was still wary. That stung, but I couldn't blame him for becoming shy. Kuya had pushed me to take another step, to work harder at repairing the damage, but Asahina had been avoiding me. And to be honest, I'd been avoiding him as well, not sure if I could trust myself to keep my jealousy under control.

Now that a chance had presented itself, I didn't want to take advantage. It was easier to sit in forced silence, contemplating the object of my desire, rather than facing my unreasonable emotions.

In other words, I was a coward.

Asahina's tongue was peeking out as he squinted at the workbook. My cheeks prickled as I wondered what that tongue had tasted over the weekend. Just kisses, or something more? I turned my face away. Why was I tormenting myself? Was it simply morbid curiosity, or some sort of odd self-punishment?

I forced my eyes back to the laptop, but they just slid over the words I'd typed without comprehending them, like the characters were suddenly a foreign language. My mind wouldn't be still, always wandering back to Asahina. He'd hidden the evidence and his emotions surprisingly well; I didn't know any of the details about his relationship with the professor. That was fine, because I didn't want to know, though it did open my mind to all sorts of unpleasant imaginings. All I knew for sure was what was visible to everyone: his bright smile, his excited but vague chatter with Kuya, and the faint blush that stained his cheeks when he watched his lover, thinking that no one else knew of their connection.

Sometimes I wondered how many of his friends knew but kept silent, protecting that secret.

Asahina sighed, dropping his pencil on the table. "This is too hard." He looked toward me with a sheepish smile, wiggling a bit in his seat. "Um, Takato-san, can I get your help with something?"

"Of course, Asahina." I peered over the laptop, confirming that he was still working on an English assignment. "Are you having trouble with sentence structure?"

"Oh, no, it's not my homework. I've been getting tutoring so I feel like I understand that better now."

"I see," I nodded, forcing a smile. Was the professor helping him with other subjects? It was odd, but it made sense that someone whose family was involved in international business would be able to tutor in English as well. "What can I help you with?"

"Well," his eyes met mine for a moment before he looked down at his clasped hands. "A few weeks ago, when we kind of had that fight... you told me that you got upset because you were jealous of me. So I thought, maybe I could ask you about that." Asahina fidgeted, uncomfortable. "I've been having problems lately. Feeling jealous, and stuff like that. I thought, since you're so much more mature than me, maybe you could help me stop acting like that..."

His voice faded to nothing at the end, eyes fixed on the table. I couldn't tell from my angle, but he was probably fighting back emotion.

 _Asahina._ I felt and resisted an urge to reach out and stroke his hair, knowing it would be awkward instead of comforting or, as I secretly hoped, charming. Instead, I closed my laptop and rested my elbows on the table, leaning forward slightly so he would know he had my full attention.

"Jealousy, is it?" My voice caught on the word, and I coughed, clearing my throat. So this was how the universe had decided to respond to my selfishness. No, to my own jealousy.

And so, the possessive friend would offer advice to the boy he secretly coveted. A smile twisted my lips; I couldn't have written a more perfect scene.

"Yeah," Asahina mumbled, "it's a big problem for me."

"Let me double check first. You're remembering a bit incorrectly; I was envious, not jealous."

He glanced up. "What's the difference?"

"Envy is wanting something that you don't have. In my case, I was envious of your relationship. I was the one who decided I couldn't have one, but I was still upset that you did. Jealousy is a fear of losing something that you already have." I reached up to adjust my glasses. "Which is your problem, Asahina?"

I was lying. But I had to, in order to preserve the relationship we already had, and in order to offer him genuine advice. If Asahina suspected that I was jealous, wanting more of him than I already had a right to claim as a friend, angry at losing him to the professor, it would only cause more harm. After all, I'd promised Kuya that I'd make things right. If that meant swallowing my pride or hiding my true feelings, that was a small price to pay.

I still loved Asahina, after all. I just had to work on changing the form of that love.

The first step was identifying the little thrill of excitement I felt at hearing him give voice to a serious worry about his relationship. There was that little voice urging me to dig into it, to uncover all his insecurities, to advise him to break away from his partner. I could help him realize the error of his ways, and when he was broken and needy, I would sweep in and replace that inappropriate relationship with a new one.

 _And that's exactly why a relationship with you would also be inappropriate,_ I reminded myself.

All those thoughts raced through my head while Asahina deliberated, thinking out loud in his usual fashion. "Well... I'm pretty sure it's not envy. It's about some... someone I already have." He scratched his head, considering. "I guess it's not a secret that I'm dating someone. That's why we had that fight a few weeks ago... um."

"Yes, I know that you're dating someone," I confirmed.

"W- well... that person is, um, pretty attractive. And other people notice. Other people who are better than me."

"Better in what way?"

Asahina sighed. "In _every_ way. One of them is a lot smarter than me. There's someone else who's really athletic, so they have a way nicer body than me. And another is more mature and doesn't get excited about stupid things like games or food..." His shoulders slumped. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just a stupid kid, and I can't understand why anyone would want to go out with me."

_It's exactly that kind of naive charm that draws people to you. You must be completely unaware of just how popular you've become, with your friends and with others..._

"It sounds like you're insecure, Asahina."

He pouted, puffing up his cheeks as he thought about it. "I guess. I feel like I'm being really selfish, not insecure. That's not the same, is it?"

"I don't think you're being terribly selfish. It's just that you're normally so selfless that any amount of selfishness seems extreme to you."

"But it is extreme, isn't it?"

I shook my head. It was no wonder that Asahina was so popular, not just as a friend, but as the object of several crushes. He was too kind and naive to be real, so sweet that just listening to him speak could make a heart turn toward him. I swallowed back my emotion and replied, "You're always giving to others, and now you've found one thing - or rather, person - that you don't want to share with anyone. Most people have several things they feel possessive about. You can be a bit greedy when it comes to food, but that doesn't stop you from sharing if someone asks. But..."

"But I don't want to share my special person with anyone, huh...?" His smile was bitter.

"Most people don't." I gave him a small, tight smile, hoping he wouldn't read too much into the strained expression. "But if those feelings are interfering with your enjoyment of the relationship, then there's something deeper to be addressed. You're worried that this person will be lured away by someone else, someone who is better than you in some way, is that right?"

Asahina sighed, resting his chin on his hands. "I guess that's insecurity."

"Why are you afraid of losing what you have? Do you truly believe that person will stray from your side?"

There was a long, sullen silence. "No," Asahina finally admitted. "I know it's stupid, but I just can't help comparing myself when I see other guys looking."

"Asahina, let me tell you a little secret. No matter who you are or what you accomplish, there will always be someone who seems better than you. Or someone who is actually better than you. Remember the story of my undeserved calligraphy contest win?"

He immediately leapt to my defense. "But that wasn't your fault!"

"No, it wasn't, but I still felt that I had cheated in some way, because I knew the other boy was more skilled than me. I had looked forward to a fair contest, where I could test myself against someone like that. I was hoping that I had managed to surpass him, or that I would be particularly inspired that day. But the fact that he was more skilled didn't take away _my_ skill." I met Asahina's eyes, finally able to offer a gentle and genuine smile. "And the good points of those other people don't take away from what you have to offer. Remember, the person you're with has already chosen you, out of everyone else in the world. Doesn't that mean a lot?"

He smiled a little, blushing. "Yeah... it made me feel really special."

I wanted to reach out and touch that honest face, but instead I just nodded. "You're not less special now, Asahina. You're a rare person. No one else was brave enough to protect this school and the students. It doesn't matter if someone else is stronger, or more attractive, or smarter. You have character."

He bit his lip, looking embarrassed. "That's too much, Takato-san..."

"It's not. You can ask any of your friends, and I'm sure many of the other students who aren't your closest friends would also agree."

"B- but... somehow, it was easier to do that." Asahina looked down at his hands. "Because I was helping Tomo, and protecting the school for everyone. I wanted to stay here too. But this isn't protecting the person I love. It's guarding them, trying to keep everyone else away, and I find myself doing and feeling things that are even worse." He sighed. "Because... I'm not their first love."

 _Well, I'd expect not, considering the age difference,_ I thought bitterly. "You're worried about their past experiences?"

"I know it's not fair to get mad about things like that." Asahina's hands curled into fists on the table. "I know that. But sometimes I can't help thinking about it, like when we're together and we're just hugging, and somehow I end up thinking that someone else had been there before. Someone else felt warm and safe like that, or got a kiss on the cheek, or something nice whispered in their ear. And I kind of hate those people for being there first... for creating a history."

I could understand that all too well. How many times had I fantasized about what I hoped was the inevitable breakup that would free Asahina from the professor's spell? Of course I'd imagined myself as the hero, sweeping in with support and advice to soothe his heart, using his wounds to my advantage and capturing him for myself. But that sweet fantasy was soured by one unchangable reality: I could never be Asahina's first. He would always be tainted by his relationship with the professor, his attitudes and preferences molded by those of his first partner.

"It's not fair," Asahina repeated, oblivious to my objectifying thoughts. "I know I'm being unreasonable, but I feel like it's not fair to me either. Why did those other people get to be first?"

_Why did Professor Sakaki get to be first?_

If it had been someone, _anyone_ else, I could have accepted it. I'd been mentally prepared for the possibility that Asahina would fall for Kuya; after all, the two were so similiar in some ways that I'd half-expected it to happen naturally. But an outsider had swept in to steal the prize, and the professor should never have been a competitor at all. _Breaking the rules and the law, with no consequences. That's the very definition of unfair._

"Sometimes things aren't fair, Asahina. Sometimes we have to accept things we don't like in order to protect the people and relationships we value." I could almost see Kuya's face as I said it, a familiar bittersweet smile on his lips.

_We'll both give up for the sake of our friendship!_

I'd accepted that arrangement under the assumption that Kuya would be my only serious rival. Did it matter that Asahina had been swept away by someone else? The end result was the same: he wasn't mine. Harboring resentment over who he had chosen to love was pointless.

My head knew it. My heart was still trying to accept it.

"It's hard to accept something like that." His words echoed my thoughts, as if he'd read my mind.

"I know. But the only alternative is to let that resentment fester, poisoning your relationship. What use is it to imagine things that may not have happened at all? And especially to be upset with your partner about things they can't control, like the wandering eyes of other people. You say it's not fair, Asahina, but it's more than that. You're actively harming yourself by indulging in those feelings of jealousy. That sort of poison can affect your entire life, not just the one relationship."

I was no longer sure if I was giving advice to Asahina or myself.

He was eyeing me with an odd smile, and when he spoke again, his tone was brighter. "Wow, Takato-san, you've really thought about this a lot."

I swallowed. "Yes. I have."

"I always knew you were really mature, but I'm even more impressed now. Because, well," Asahina lowered his eyes again, "you were pretty mean to me back then. But now I feel like maybe it was a good thing, because... you had the same feelings as me all bottled up inside. I wouldn't have known if you hadn't said those things to me. And now we can talk about it."

He looked up with a wobbly smile. "I was afraid we'd never be close again. I got scared and didn't know how to fix it. But you were feeling the same as me, and now you've gotten over it."

My heart ached at his sincerity, and I didn't have the heart to correct him. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't over it, or that I hadn't been trying at all. "It's not easy," was all I could manage, not wanting to push him away again. "It's difficult to accept your flaws and decide to improve yourself."

"I want to do it. I don't want these awful feelings to get in the way of being happy."

I eyed him for a moment, wondering if it would be safe to pry. Or rather, if I would regret hearing an honest answer from Asahina's lips.

_Or I could be brave and ask, instead of letting my imagination run wild._

"Asahina, you _are_ happy, aren't you?"

He blinked. "Huh?"

"In your relationship. There's nothing worrying you besides the jealousy, is there? Is your partner acting in a way that would justify your feelings?"

_Is he good to you? Is he worthy of your smile, your warmth, your love?_

I wanted to know, but I was afraid to find out. On some level I already knew that Asahina was happy. He'd been happy from the moment we'd met, that fateful day he'd arrived on the school island, and I'd been drawn to that brilliance. He was still the same now, only more. Brighter, happier, and more alive. _In love._

Asahina shook his head, messy hair bouncing. "No, there's nothing. They think it's kind of funny that other guys are looking, but once they realized that bothered me a lot, they stopped laughing about it. I feel a little bad, because I'm sure it's flattering, but..." He sighed again, but recovered his cheer in an instant. "But you're right. Someone like that, popular and good looking, chose me. I'm really happy. Oh, but it's not just about looking nice. That doesn't matter. I mean, of course I like it..."

"But you see what's inside a person, Asahina. That's what makes you special."

_You saw the ugliness inside me. Only a part of it, but you saw. And you're still here, asking me for advice, trusting me to have an answer._

"I don't feel special. I'm just me."

"Being you is enough."

"Ehehe, you're really making me turn red." Asahina reached out and grabbed my hand, wide eyes meeting my own as a blush colored his cheeks. His skin was hot against mine, and I felt my own face getting a bit red. "Thank you, Takato-san, I feel so relieved now."

"I didn't do anything," I somehow managed to protest with all my consciousness focused on our connection.

"That's not true. You really helped me. I can think about things more clearly now. And..."

"And?"

"And we're friends again, right?"

I couldn't look away, captivated by his wide-eyed, hopeful expression.

I squeezed his hand, then let it go. "Of course. We never stopped being friends."

He let out a long sigh, almost collapsing onto the table. "Thank goodness. I was so worried!"

Long after he went back to his English homework and I went back to my typing, I imagined that his warmth lingered on my hand, gentle and forgiving. I stole one last long glance at his face.

_I swear, Asahina, if that man hurts you, he won't get away unpunished._

~ end ~


End file.
